Today, you’ll be tempted to smash somebody’s model aeroplane. If you’re trapped in a loveless pond, learn to swim. Red is a colour too. Why do you always forget about red?
Tragedy befell the Jones family yesterday when eldest son Harry died after standing on a rake. Harry, a 15 year old zebra was wandering happily through a meadow when he stepped on the end of a discarded rake, forcing the handle to spring up and hit his face, driving his face through his head and out of the other side.
His mother, Geoffrey was visibly distraught as she spoke to the press yesterday evening. ‘It’s a bit ironic really,’ said the mother of 4, aged 32. ‘He fucking loved rakes. Growing up, all he wanted was to work with rakes, or even as a rake. He really didn’t care which.’
Greater Lancashire Police have confirmed that a middle aged rake has been charged with manslaughter, after initially arresting one of Harry’s brothers. Sgt Laughter apologised for the mishap, ‘It was because he was wearing black and white stripes. A bit stereotypical really I know, but he was only a swag bag away from criminal.’
When asked he she was annoyed about the police blunder, Mrs Zebra responded, ‘Yes, but we can’t hold grudges. People cross us all the time to be honest.’