Have you ever been in a situation where you are travelling forwards or backwards? Shocking new research, revealed today, shows that when we see ourselves and other moving forwards, we’re actually moving backwards. We tried to read the research but there were lots of big words and stuff but we think that it has something to do with the way eyes reflect light.
It has been known for a long time that our eyes flip the image in our minds and we are all actually upside down but news that we are getting side to side wrong today will probably astonish everybody.
Mrs Jeff, 26, from Halifax said, ‘Stop bothering me. I have a customer who wants to apply for a mortgage.’
We asked a scientist if there was any truth to this new research and he responded with the following, ‘Maybe’.
So there you have it. Maybe. From a scientist.
Tragedy befell the Jones family yesterday when eldest son Harry died after standing on a rake. Harry, a 15 year old zebra was wandering happily through a meadow when he stepped on the end of a discarded rake, forcing the handle to spring up and hit his face, driving his face through his head and out of the other side.
His mother, Geoffrey was visibly distraught as she spoke to the press yesterday evening. ‘It’s a bit ironic really,’ said the mother of 4, aged 32. ‘He fucking loved rakes. Growing up, all he wanted was to work with rakes, or even as a rake. He really didn’t care which.’
Greater Lancashire Police have confirmed that a middle aged rake has been charged with manslaughter, after initially arresting one of Harry’s brothers. Sgt Laughter apologised for the mishap, ‘It was because he was wearing black and white stripes. A bit stereotypical really I know, but he was only a swag bag away from criminal.’
When asked he she was annoyed about the police blunder, Mrs Zebra responded, ‘Yes, but we can’t hold grudges. People cross us all the time to be honest.’
The mother of a young girl who was squashed by a car last week has today come out and launched a tirade against hedgehogs. The whole ordeal centres on the road crossing safety adverts of the 1990’s in which hedgehogs were used in conjunction with the catchy song, King of the Road to help kids learn how to cross a road safely, the entire point of a road crossing safety advert.
‘The thing is,’ said Mandy, 45, from Dagenham, Those hedgehogs ain’t very good at crossing roads either are they? The spiky cunts are always getting run over but they they think they can teach our kids to do better? Who fucking chose hedgehogs? They should have used eagles or something. I’ve never seen one of them run over.’
We reached out to the Road Crossing Hedgehog Committee for a statement but the their spokesman was dead. We’ve included a link to the video of the advert in question. Do YOU think hedgehogs should have been used? Let us know in the comments below.