Cloudy today. Not raining yet. Probably will though. Why won’t she call me back?
Today, you’ll be tempted to smash somebody’s model aeroplane. If you’re trapped in a loveless pond, learn to swim. Red is a colour too. Why do you always forget about red?
Have you ever been in a situation where you are travelling forwards or backwards? Shocking new research, revealed today, shows that when we see ourselves and other moving forwards, we’re actually moving backwards. We tried to read the research but there were lots of big words and stuff but we think that it has something to do with the way eyes reflect light.
It has been known for a long time that our eyes flip the image in our minds and we are all actually upside down but news that we are getting side to side wrong today will probably astonish everybody.
Mrs Jeff, 26, from Halifax said, ‘Stop bothering me. I have a customer who wants to apply for a mortgage.’
We asked a scientist if there was any truth to this new research and he responded with the following, ‘Maybe’.
So there you have it. Maybe. From a scientist.
Last night, in Germany, VR Bees from Dortmund beat Ants FC from Zurich, Switzerland 2-0 to take an early aggregate lead. As this is the Insect European Cup, all knockout ties are, naturally, played over 6 legs giving Ants plenty of time to get back into the tie. Ants manager, Rudolph Jack blamed the Bees’ advantage on the wings for the ease with which they were able to score. Ooh, there’s an ant crawling up my leg as a type this. Not a footballer, just a common ant. How odd.
Today brings the opportunity to build a model aircraft. If you are single, you are probably sad. Don’t worry, love will find you under a bridge. Green will be lucky for you today.
It’s raining. Well, it has been. It might have stopped now. Still wet though. I didn’t write this in my garden, I can tell you.
Tragedy befell the Jones family yesterday when eldest son Harry died after standing on a rake. Harry, a 15 year old zebra was wandering happily through a meadow when he stepped on the end of a discarded rake, forcing the handle to spring up and hit his face, driving his face through his head and out of the other side.
His mother, Geoffrey was visibly distraught as she spoke to the press yesterday evening. ‘It’s a bit ironic really,’ said the mother of 4, aged 32. ‘He fucking loved rakes. Growing up, all he wanted was to work with rakes, or even as a rake. He really didn’t care which.’
Greater Lancashire Police have confirmed that a middle aged rake has been charged with manslaughter, after initially arresting one of Harry’s brothers. Sgt Laughter apologised for the mishap, ‘It was because he was wearing black and white stripes. A bit stereotypical really I know, but he was only a swag bag away from criminal.’
When asked he she was annoyed about the police blunder, Mrs Zebra responded, ‘Yes, but we can’t hold grudges. People cross us all the time to be honest.’